Friday, January 28, 2011

Lordy Be!

Well it certainly has been a long time since we last spoke, hasn't it? I swear chronicling our lives seems like an important thing to do (and it is!), but sometimes things get in the way. Like life. And it's hard to make the commitment to writing things, just like it's hard to start an exercise routine if you've been living a sedentary life. Or give up drinking so damn much when you really enjoy it. Or stop eating crap food. Or stop eating Chick-fil-a because they want to deny me and mine the right to marry. Yet all of these things we've done in the past few weeks. It's been tough, but in a way I've enjoyed the process. When you let yourself have everything you want, there really seems to be no pleasure in anything. Everything is pleasurable therefore nothing is pleasurable? But when you restrict yourself, you really appreciate that brownie (even if it does give you a headache later on).

So what has happened in the past several years? Well I worked at a sustainable farm in Pittsboro during 2008 and 2009 part time. It was exhaustive work, but it was really rewarding and we definitely enjoyed the fruits (and vegetables) of my labor. In early 2009 I decided to apply for the Dental Hygiene and Dental Assisting programs at UNC. I got into Dental Assisting, and decided to take classes that spring to get into the Hygiene program - hopefully. I ended up dropping out of the chemistry class I would have needed to get into DH. And wouldn't you know that after that happened a spot in the Hygiene program opened up. Life's a bitch, ain't it? So I continued with assisting...hating every minute of it. But I finished and now, over 6 months after graduating, I still don't have a job. I'm working very part time hours for a temp agency, but it's nothing too exciting. It helps a little $wise. A little.

Michele's dad passed away in September of 2009 after a long and debilitating struggle with body inclusion myositis. Despite my feelings on him and his relationship with Michele (or any of his kids for that matter), it was difficult to see him in such a state. I think it's always hard accept an aging parent's condition, but he was fairly young, and the disease had thoroughly ravaged his body.

In the spring of 2010, there was talk of adding on to our home, but with the banks being so stingy and cautious, we would have had to come up with a decent amount of clams and we wouldn't be able to get the house we want anyway. Plus we worried about overbuilding. I mean we ARE next to a shitty trailer and a crappy house with a confederate flag on the garage!We ultimately decided to put our house for sale and use the money we get as a down payment for another. Whether we go with a "used" home or a newly built remains to be seen. I guess when we sell our house we'll have to make a definite decision.

We both got new cars in 2010, and of course with that came two car payments. Yikes and yikes.

Angus was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, among other things, in the spring of 2010. We knew something was up so we decided to take him to the vet hospital in May. His murmur had worsened over time and his heart was enlarged. While there, he was diagnosed with a mitral valve defect. As well as a possible(and later confirmed) collapsing trachea. And pre-congestive heart failure. This dog couldn't have more issues. We love him to death; I love him so much it kills me. I wish there was a miracle drug to make his remaining time on earth comfortable. To see him cough and gasp for air hurts me so much, even if he does sometimes do it for attention. I can hardly stand it sometimes. When I look at him I still see the three-and-a-half year old dog who came to live with us on the condition that it worked out for all parties involved. I think it worked out pretty well.

Around Thanksgiving we went to New York to visit Andrew and see the city. It was a small and quiet holiday. In December, after many months of Lucia being sick all of the time (throwing up and diarrhea) we euthanized her before Christmas. It was sad, but ultimately I feel like we ended her suffering - and I do believe her existence on earth for those last months was miserable. For the first time ever, we had Christmas at our house. We went to PJ's and Michele's mom's house in the afternoon, but it was very low key. It was nice to have a small and quiet holiday season. Because who knows what the future holds this year?

What I'm getting at is this - we decided after the new year that after months - okay, years - of talking about it, we were going to try to have a kid. So we've done everything I think we possibly can to get that ball rolling. And at this point we're thinking we'll start the inseminations in March. Michele signed up for more disability through her work so that we can get more clams when she's out. So we have to wait. We've been charting. And poking and prodding and reading all we can about how to go about conceiving this child. The thing that sucks about trying to get pregnant while being a gay woman who doesn't have sex with a man ever, is that it's not going to just happen accidentally. By nature we're planners and want to educate ourselves about as much as possible beforehand. When we look up information about our insemination options, whether it's ICI or IUI, the target audience is usually someone who has a fertility problem. We aren't there yet. In fact I just know that everything is fine, and we'll have no problem conceiving a child. But it's been difficult to find much information online that doesn't mention shots of clomid, hCG, etc., as well as monthly ultrasounds and whatnot. Right now we just want to know how to time our inseminations properly and it's not the easiest thing to locate.

So to recap, I'm looking for a job, our house is for sale, our remaining animal is basically knocking on death's door, we're (probably) going into significant debt trying to conceive a child....not to mention all the health conscious changes that have taken place in the past few weeks:
- No caffeine
- No/low sugar
- Low amount of refined carbohydrates (white flour, white rice)
- Low dairy consumption
- Running several times a week
- Low/no alcohol

Lots of changes going on here, but Michele and I have talked for a while now about how we feel like we're spinning our wheels - waiting for something to happen. Well, some things are now happening. Dietary changes were necessary anyway - regardless of the thought of children. The fact is, you can't eat like we did all the time and expect to live forever (well I will because I am MEAN!) And sometimes life already feels pretty stressful, so I don't know how we're going to handle a child, and everything that comes (and more importantly goes) with one. But in the 15+ years we've been together, we've handled the ride pretty well. And everyone always says that having a child bonds you like nothing else. I guess I just can't image that since I feel like we're already so...bonded. But if they're to be believed, I supposed our relationship will just continue to get a fine wine. Which reminds me....I could really go for a glass or two right now!